One of the things that often keeps me from
writing a blog or journal is the fear that eventually, it’ll turn into
nothing more than a simple log of what I ate that day, what my current
weight is, etc. Of course, it’s fine for me to digress occasionally to
writing about my struggles with food and weight, but to turn what I
always wanted to be meaningful writing into self-indulgent and useless
prittle-prattle about how fat I feel and how much I hate my life… I
don’t want to do that again.
The worst of this is that I never know how it happens, either. I’ve
gone back over my old blogs at least a dozen times (oh xanga, the days
of high school), and can’t find where I went from happy teenybopper
posting about hot actors to girl who hates everything about her life to
the girl who starves and cuts and faints all the time. I’d always start
out trying to write about meaningful things, and somehow it always
turned into bullet points of my weight that day and all I had eaten,
with the occasional “personal” post, no more than two or three sentences
long.
So once again I’m facing a very real fear that this blog (and my
accompanying journal) will not free me, but rather trap me again into
the endless cycle of trying to lose weight, and giving up, and trying to
lose weight again. I don’t want this blog to make me feel bad about
myself, I want to use it as a way to free myself, really.
If you can, wish me luck, please.
