The Fear of Writing

One of the things that often keeps me from writing a blog or journal is the fear that eventually, it’ll turn into nothing more than a simple log of what I ate that day, what my current weight is, etc. Of course, it’s fine for me to digress occasionally to writing about my struggles with food and weight, but to turn what I always wanted to be meaningful writing into self-indulgent and useless prittle-prattle about how fat I feel and how much I hate my life… I don’t want to do that again.

The worst of this is that I never know how it happens, either. I’ve gone back over my old blogs at least a dozen times (oh xanga, the days of high school), and can’t find where I went from happy teenybopper posting about hot actors to girl who hates everything about her life to the girl who starves and cuts and faints all the time. I’d always start out trying to write about meaningful things, and somehow it always turned into bullet points of my weight that day and all I had eaten, with the occasional “personal” post, no more than two or three sentences long.

So once again I’m facing a very real fear that this blog (and my accompanying journal) will not free me, but rather trap me again into the endless cycle of trying to lose weight, and giving up, and trying to lose weight again. I don’t want this blog to make me feel bad about myself, I want to use it as a way to free myself, really.

If you can, wish me luck, please.