You Don't Belong to People Forever

The updated version of "it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" or however that old timey quote actually goes. The first time I heard it in the movie Shelter, it was the one thing that spoke to me more than anything else in the story. Out of context, it seems more like a threat than a promise, but within the dialogue, Tori explains to Zach the reason he should go after the one he loves, that this is the only time you get, and you should be happy while you still have the chance.

When Brandon finally made me his girlfriend, I let him take a sharpie to the tattoo on my ribs and... edit it slightly. Works for me.

This New Year

I had two resolutions for 2013 and I kept neither. But when I wanted to be moved out this year, I was working full-time, and now I'm lucky if I get 10 hours a week. And when I looked back and saw my hair hadn't grown at all, it felt pointless to keep dreaming long, and it's so much healthier now. Perhaps this year I'll finally choose to stop dyeing it. At the very least, I know a move is in my future, and I want to resolve a few things for 2014.

• stay healthy. something I've managed to do without trying this year. luck, mostly, but true motivation came when I learned I was pregnant. and true motivation will remain, to stay healthy for my baby. because a person who is obsessed with weight lost and starvation can't take care of herself will have trouble properly taking care of another life.
• build my life. I don't know what this means just yet, but it's important. I'll become a homemaker for the first time. I've don't know what I'm doing, but I know I can make a house full of love. a safe place for my baby, and a comfortable place for my man. I get to learn how to manage bills, and clean up after myself and others, and cook for two. it's all new territory, but I'm excited for it.
• do my best & accept it. I know I won't be perfect. I haven't got a clue how to do any of the things I'm going to do this year. I'm going to mistakes, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm doing the best I can. and that's good enough.

You Scream Like a Gun in the Night

It's been more than a year since the last time I saw Tyler Hilton perform. If you never got to hear that story, it's posted here if you wanna catch up on the hum-drum and the excitement of that night. It definitely had it's ups and downs. This one was much better in my overall day, but the performance itself was as beautiful as last time. And I was so glad to have someone to share it with.

I didn't take many pictures. In fact, I took just a couple, and only because the first ones turned out blurry. I did this for two reasons.

1. I took such beautiful pictures last time, from the front row with a real camera. I knew that nothing my phone could take from 30 feet back would stand up to that same quality. Especially after the pics I took at The Pretty Reckless.
2. Seeing people constantly on their phones at shows has become a huge pet peeve. I understand wanting to take pictures, even though you'll probably look at them twice in the next five years. I'm definitely guilty of being a photo whore. But then I see them instantly going to Instagram, Facebook and texting these pictures, with long captions, looking at their phones the whole time while the show is still going on. Wait until the stinking show is over! Pay attention to what you came for! I actually saw one girl taking photos and then leaning over to show them to her friend, who was clearly also at the show and saw the whole thing happen 10 seconds before. It's sad the way people can't live in the moment anymore.

So yes, Brandon and I were quite a few people back in the crowd. I just don't have the energy these days to rush the stage, plus, he'd block the whole world's view. It wasn't too crowded, so I was able to stand a few feet behind the next people in front of me and see over their shoulders, most of the time. Brandon kept ducking down to my level and rearranging me when he realized I don't come with a periscope. The opening act, Anna Rose, was good, and she was cute. She had her guitarist toss one free cd into the crowd, and said she liked seeing the girls in front struggle for who got it. She said her fear was that it would just fall to the floor and no one would care.

Tyler was the second act, and yes, I snapped one picture, because I didn't think he'd do his meet & greet until the very end of the show, and I wasn't sure Brandon and I were going to make it that long (we're so old, guys). While we were at the show, Christmas in the Bayou was premiering on TV, but Tyler said not to worry about it, as it was Lifetime, it would be on "twenty fucking more times" before Christmas, and also "for the rest of our lives." Funny because it's so very true. 

He decided to "hoe-it-down" for California, and played harmonica for that and One Foot in the Bayou, but then harmonica went away with no sign of Can't Stop Now, which was sad for me, as that's one of my (many, many) favorites. Further story on Jenny was she was a grade-A bitch, and needed a song to match her personality, and it was dedicated to her "wherever she is, whoever she's doing." Seriously wonder if he makes this stuff up just to make us curious about nothing. Either way, a good laugh.

Luckily, as soon as he was done with his set, he went back for the meet & greet, since apparently it would be a while before Howie Day was ready to perform. So I headed back with Brandon, who tried to duck out of line, because he was the only guy in it, but I insisted I needed a camera guy. Aw, he puts up with so much from me. Bless him. 

So I got up to Tyler and the first thing he commented on was my "retro" shirt... I bought it from his online store, but I guess it's not around anymore. After he signed it for me, he asked if I'd been out to one of his shows before. He vaguely remembered the tattoo idea, and was disappointed that the only open shop had been full of drunk people. Oh well, I'm happy with his signature on my shirt... and next show, he can sign my other one.

And yeah, we were beat, so after we (well, I) met with Tyler, we left content. I'm glad Tyler show sold Brandon on Tyler more than the cd we'd been listening to before had. I'm not saying he's got to be his biggest fan, but I'm happier to know he's enjoying these things with me.

Thankful This Morning

I am not pleased to be up at nearly six in the morning. Perhaps if it were summer, but it's still dark out, and I really feel I ought to be sleeping. And in four hours, I'll be ready to help my mommy in the kitchen with Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sure this is the first I've ever helped with, and I haven't a clue what I'm doing, other than making bread for breakfast. But as long as I'm unable to sleep...

• I'm thankful I have a boyfriend who lets me wake him up in the middle of the night for silly things. Usually, it's that his computer has started talking and I don't know how to make it shut up and how can he expect me to get back to sleep when it's freaking out like that. Right now, it's that at 4am I said, excuse me, Mr. Six-Foot-Six, but Five-Foot-Three is getting claustrophobic and could you please give me some leg room even though clearly you need it more and I'm just insane? Awesome, thanks. Even though I feet bad that I wasn't able to get back to sleep and so I disturbed him for nothing and I only hope he won't remember the ordeal or have cramped legs in the mornings.
• I'm thankful I've always got a roof over my head and food in my belly. Especially since I ask of it from a lot of people. All four of my parents, my boyfriend, my best friend and her family. They're always saying, sure sleep here, and eat all this food while you're at it. I feel like such a burden on them all at times.
• I'm thankful that when I needed a new car this year, I had the means to actually buy one, through work and savings. And even though I'm not working enough right now to even cover my monthly car insurance bill, I've got a savings to get me through until things pick back up for me. 
• I'm thankful I was able to continue my education this year, again through a savings my daddy kept for me for many years (for which I'm thankful also I have simply had the self-control not to waste on frivolous things). I've not been very good at finishing the program, but my teacher has been wonderful and worked with me and my youthful ways of preferring to seeing my boyfriend to hunting down torture victims all week. I've got more testing to do, and I'd really love more practical hours even if I don't need them anymore. Still, I've learned a new skill, and I hope to someday actually feel competent in it. If I finish proper certification, I can do this wherever life may lead me.
• I'm thankful that this year, I was able to keep my eating issues mostly in check. I went on one super-restrictive diet in mid-January, probably eating no more than 600 calories a day, which has left my stomach shrunken this entire year to where I still can't eat very much (it used to be I'd starve and it'd shrink up, but when I started bingeing again, it would quickly allow me to eat enough to compete with many college boys). I can't say I'm sad about this, as I feel it offers me a certain amount of portion control that a lot of the country lacks... even if I did date one guy who claimed his 6- and 8-year old daughters could eat more than me. I also couldn't tell you where this new found ability to remain healthy comes from. Did I gain confidence when I finally started dating, something I'd never really tried before? Doubtful when you consider some of the rejection I felt. Is it because I just decided to be healthy at last, tired of the inner melodrama? Again, doubtful. If only because I know that no one can "cure" themselves. Most likely, I've simply hit a recession for a while. I still call myself a fat pig almost any time I eat but I'll enjoy this ability to do it without anger while I've got it.
• Hand-in-hand with eating issues, I'm thankful my self-injury is also gone for the time being. This was definitely harder early this year, when boys kept rejecting me. After one guy stopped replying to me, my legs were black and blue, punishing myself for whatever I did wrong. I needed to place blame, and since they weren't around anymore, that only left me. I think being in a stable relationship now though is just a small part of its current disappearance. I think the main reason it's stepped into the background is simply my ability to eat without feeling the need to punish myself for doing so.
• Despite all my roaring insecurities, I'm thankful to know that I'm actually a fairly attractive person. It's shallow, yes, but we live in a world where beauty is valued far more than brains (although I've got myself plenty of smarts, even if they're not all the most useful smarts). You need to have looks to get by in this world, it seems. I know I'm not stunning or drop-dead gorgeous by any means, but I'm cute, verging on pretty. And also despite insecurities, I'm thankful that I can leave my home on a daily basis without piling on a pound of makeup. I like to play around with it every now and then, but I know I don't need it to make me pretty.
• I'm thankful for Brandon in general. Above I was just thankful he sleeps through anything and feeds me. But he's so much more than that. When I met him, I learned real fast why things didn't work out with the other boys I dated this year. With Brandon, it felt natural right away. He thinks I'm beautiful and constantly tells me so, and while I brush it off, I appreciate it. He lets me correct his spelling, actually asks me to do it! He deals with all my lame jokes (and I make a LOT of them). When I need a concert buddy for someone he's never heard of, he's right there driving and then standing next to me. As I said above, he feeds me! And not being able to eat very much in one sitting, I want to be fed every few hours. I'm sure it's hard to keep up with sometimes, especially since I'm hungry first thing in the morning, and he's not. He's supportive of me trying to get healthy, and encourages me to work out, not to lose weight as is my usual goal, but to build something on my body that resembles muscle. Honestly, he's just supportive of me through-and-through. He's always there for me when I need someone, and he's become my best friend.
• I'm thankful for my long-time best friend, Kendra. She's been there for me for the last year and a half like I don't even deserve. She mended my broken heart last year, and this year she's just been there constantly for me with advice and company. It's so nice just having her to talk to while we watch tv all day, and I know I can trust her with anything. I'm so happy for her this year, and grateful she let me be a part of her wedding.
• The rest of my friends, I'm thankful for you too, even if we don't talk often and see each other even less. You're all important to me, and to those of you I do talk to regularly, I'm especially thankful for you.
• I'm thankful for my family. I know it goes without saying, but I am. My parents put up with a lot from me, and they really don't have to. My younger brothers let me pick on them as if I would actually stand a chance if they fought back. My cousins always give me entertaining glimpses into their lives on Facebook. I don't see a few of you as often as I'd like, and I know that's my fault too. Still, some people have a lot less in their lives.

It's taken me an hour and a half to write this, I've so much to be thankful for. And I've been trying to shop for my nephews even though I haven't seen one in a year and a half, and the other never at all, and the last time my older brother emailed me was last Christmas when I asked what the heck to get the boys. Still, like I said, I thankful for my family, every one.

For the Lives That I Fake

Last week, I got to go to Seattle to see The Pretty Reckless live in concert. Well, it was more of a show. I think I overuse the word concert. I definitely prefer shows, even if sometimes I just want to sit down. I was lucky to have my boyfriend drive & tag along with me to what I could only describe as "angry girl rock" and I'm so glad he's so accommodating of me. I wasn't in a rush to get there "on time" as previous experience has shown me this does little good. We had a hell of a time navigating the stupid one-way streets, and it took us more than five minutes to get to the club that could have been easily spotted from the off-ramp we took had we known it was there. 

Half an hour after the doors opened, we finally wandered on in, and the first thing I did was start scoping the location of the merch booth. When Brandon finally located it, I plopped myself in the nice, short line and got myself a basic black tee with the name and the Going to Hell logo on it. In retrospect, I wish I'd waited til the end of the show, as I did get a touch tired hold it the whole time.

The opening band was Louna, a female-fronted Russian band. I'm sure if loud rock was my kind of music in the first place, I'd have really liked them, but since I'm basically a country girl through and through, the music didn't do much for me. Another problem I had, with both bands in general is that this type of music, if you don't know the words, there's almost no way in hell you're going to understand 90% of the words anyway. As Brandon pointed out, he basically got the lines that were repeated a lot, but not much more. I missed basically all of Heaven's Basement, as I was getting severely overheated and had to step outside the bar for their performance.

Finally, at 10:30, here came my girl. I know you can't always take a fan's word on someone they adore so much, but Taylor looked beautiful on stage. The "raccoon eyes" that so many people still seem to have a problem with really suit her in person, I promise. Now, we were standing near the back of the lower section (about 35-40 feet away), as I've got a tall boyfriend who was considerate enough not to go around view-blocking. While the room seemed to be filled with all sorts of people, most of them were skinny or just average, and somehow I got the two widest people in the entire audience standing in front of me once the main show started. Step where I may, I had a hard time getting a view.

An iPhone camera isn't really the best in the first place, and from as "far" back as I was, I had to use full zoom, so yes, the pictures are on the fuzzy side. And I took plenty with my hands stretched as far up as they could go. Moving lights and people, plus Taylor busily rocking all over the stage didn't leave me with a lot of good shots. Still, I enjoyed the show, more than some people I fear. Yes, I took pictures galore, but I waited until after the show to get online with them. It made me sad seeing people tweeting and instagramming the second they took pictures, when Taylor was still on stage singing her heart out for us.

Taylor was a giant tease at the end of Cold Blooded, and had to keep revving up our cheer for more than five minutes before the final word and jams of the song. I admit she was right, we were pretty tame for a rock crowd. Then again, I've never been part of a rock crowd, and probably won't be again, and I was still recovering from a cold. Even when I was trying to scream, my voice was a little on the weak side. On another sad note, being so far back, I didn't get to see any of the writhing on the ground that Taylor's famous for, nor her panties when she lifted her shirt.

The highlight of the show for me though was between Miss Nothing and Going Down when there was just music, Taylor went over and took a drumstick from Jamie, banged it around a few times on the drum, and without even looking back, chucked that drumstick at the crowd. Everyone in front of us ducked to avoid losing an eye, and Brandon had to step quickly to the side. It bounced off the wall we were leaning against and landed on an empty space of the floor in front of us. Darling boyfriend that he is, Brandon bent the hell over, grabbed it before anyone else could, and handed it to me. It says The Pretty Reckless on it, as well as Jamie's name, plus it has marks all up and down it, and was briefly used by Taylor Momsen herself. Definitely the best souvenir I've walked away with from any show I've been to.

For all my pictures on a public Facebook gallery, click here.

PS. Possibly the cutest thing ever was at the end before the final "title track" song was just the look on Taylor's face as she said "ladies and gentlemen, you're all going to Hell!" I mean... she should work as a tour guide at a haunted house or something.

In So Much Like

we started talking April 6.
we met on April 7.

first kiss was April 8. 

 got my girlfriend status May 21.

Brandon really just makes me so annoyingly happy. he's sweet and funny and has enough oddball in him to set off my own weirdnesses. the first time I cooked for him (he can't cook) was hilarious... he'd never touched raw bacon before and had no idea it was so slimy. the other night we managed to both be hit by insomnia... it's far less boring when you've someone to share it with! and after just ten minutes of withholding kisses, I made him make me his. he'd been wanting to do this to my tattoo, so I allowed it...