You Scream Like a Gun in the Night

It's been more than a year since the last time I saw Tyler Hilton perform. If you never got to hear that story, it's posted here if you wanna catch up on the hum-drum and the excitement of that night. It definitely had it's ups and downs. This one was much better in my overall day, but the performance itself was as beautiful as last time. And I was so glad to have someone to share it with.

I didn't take many pictures. In fact, I took just a couple, and only because the first ones turned out blurry. I did this for two reasons.

1. I took such beautiful pictures last time, from the front row with a real camera. I knew that nothing my phone could take from 30 feet back would stand up to that same quality. Especially after the pics I took at The Pretty Reckless.
2. Seeing people constantly on their phones at shows has become a huge pet peeve. I understand wanting to take pictures, even though you'll probably look at them twice in the next five years. I'm definitely guilty of being a photo whore. But then I see them instantly going to Instagram, Facebook and texting these pictures, with long captions, looking at their phones the whole time while the show is still going on. Wait until the stinking show is over! Pay attention to what you came for! I actually saw one girl taking photos and then leaning over to show them to her friend, who was clearly also at the show and saw the whole thing happen 10 seconds before. It's sad the way people can't live in the moment anymore.

So yes, Brandon and I were quite a few people back in the crowd. I just don't have the energy these days to rush the stage, plus, he'd block the whole world's view. It wasn't too crowded, so I was able to stand a few feet behind the next people in front of me and see over their shoulders, most of the time. Brandon kept ducking down to my level and rearranging me when he realized I don't come with a periscope. The opening act, Anna Rose, was good, and she was cute. She had her guitarist toss one free cd into the crowd, and said she liked seeing the girls in front struggle for who got it. She said her fear was that it would just fall to the floor and no one would care.

Tyler was the second act, and yes, I snapped one picture, because I didn't think he'd do his meet & greet until the very end of the show, and I wasn't sure Brandon and I were going to make it that long (we're so old, guys). While we were at the show, Christmas in the Bayou was premiering on TV, but Tyler said not to worry about it, as it was Lifetime, it would be on "twenty fucking more times" before Christmas, and also "for the rest of our lives." Funny because it's so very true. 

He decided to "hoe-it-down" for California, and played harmonica for that and One Foot in the Bayou, but then harmonica went away with no sign of Can't Stop Now, which was sad for me, as that's one of my (many, many) favorites. Further story on Jenny was she was a grade-A bitch, and needed a song to match her personality, and it was dedicated to her "wherever she is, whoever she's doing." Seriously wonder if he makes this stuff up just to make us curious about nothing. Either way, a good laugh.

Luckily, as soon as he was done with his set, he went back for the meet & greet, since apparently it would be a while before Howie Day was ready to perform. So I headed back with Brandon, who tried to duck out of line, because he was the only guy in it, but I insisted I needed a camera guy. Aw, he puts up with so much from me. Bless him. 

So I got up to Tyler and the first thing he commented on was my "retro" shirt... I bought it from his online store, but I guess it's not around anymore. After he signed it for me, he asked if I'd been out to one of his shows before. He vaguely remembered the tattoo idea, and was disappointed that the only open shop had been full of drunk people. Oh well, I'm happy with his signature on my shirt... and next show, he can sign my other one.

And yeah, we were beat, so after we (well, I) met with Tyler, we left content. I'm glad Tyler show sold Brandon on Tyler more than the cd we'd been listening to before had. I'm not saying he's got to be his biggest fan, but I'm happier to know he's enjoying these things with me.

Love With Food: November

It's been a while since I've posted about Love With Food, a wonderful program that for $10/month, you get a selection of  healthy food samples and a meal gets donated to a hungry person in America. And I've been keeping up with it, perhaps the one subscription that I do keep up with, just because it's been for a good cause and I don't feel bad for spending money on food, something I need to get by in life (unlike say, shoes). That said, the last few months, I wasn't overly impressed with what I got in the last few boxes. I did get to try one thing I'd seen in the store but had been to scared to try, and was pleased to find that I liked it. But I got several items of food that were flat-out unbearable, both of sweet and savory natures. I'd take one bite and not be able to go on. There were several things I just haven't known what the heck to do with them. I wish items like that came with recipe suggestions. I was losing faith, and then I got my November box.

I took my box to Kendra's to open it, and the first thing I tore into was the Sweet Potato Chips. Because for the past three years, I have hated all things sweet potato, but I know she's generally a fan. I actually really liked them, and she said they were better than ones she'd tried before. Then we warily tried the Sweet Corn Crunch. It was literally just dried corn, and it was a little weird, but it was so tasty, even Elena didn't mind sharing with us. Definitely a good snack. And lastly we tried the Tuxedo Popcorn, which I was especially excited about, as it hails from Seattle. Every bit as good as it sounds. I love sweet popcorn that's not too sweet.

At home with my momma the first thing we tried was the Rosemary & Pink Sea Salt Shortbread Cookies. They smelled very strongly, but tasted just like regular lovely shortbread cookies, and we were both pleased with them. Then we split the Apricot & Almond Bar, which she was just so-so about, but I loved it. It's so hard to eat snack bars and feel healthy, but it wasn't too sweet, and it had good flavor. Lastly, we each had a piece of dark chocolate. Not as sweet as we were used to. Good, but we prefer our Hershey's.

The Thai chicken seasoning was delicious! I was so thankful for the recipe on the back of the packet, just so I'd have some idea what to do with it. I didn't entirely follow the recipe (1/2 cup ginger? are they crazy?) and just improvised here and there, but I think I made a fairly good dish. I didn't get any complaints to my face from Brandon, Shawn, or Kendra, so hey.

The only thing I wasn't really fond of was the Maple Fudge. I sent the tea off to my darling Holly, a far truer tea connoisseur than I could ever hope to be.

Thankful This Morning

I am not pleased to be up at nearly six in the morning. Perhaps if it were summer, but it's still dark out, and I really feel I ought to be sleeping. And in four hours, I'll be ready to help my mommy in the kitchen with Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sure this is the first I've ever helped with, and I haven't a clue what I'm doing, other than making bread for breakfast. But as long as I'm unable to sleep...

• I'm thankful I have a boyfriend who lets me wake him up in the middle of the night for silly things. Usually, it's that his computer has started talking and I don't know how to make it shut up and how can he expect me to get back to sleep when it's freaking out like that. Right now, it's that at 4am I said, excuse me, Mr. Six-Foot-Six, but Five-Foot-Three is getting claustrophobic and could you please give me some leg room even though clearly you need it more and I'm just insane? Awesome, thanks. Even though I feet bad that I wasn't able to get back to sleep and so I disturbed him for nothing and I only hope he won't remember the ordeal or have cramped legs in the mornings.
• I'm thankful I've always got a roof over my head and food in my belly. Especially since I ask of it from a lot of people. All four of my parents, my boyfriend, my best friend and her family. They're always saying, sure sleep here, and eat all this food while you're at it. I feel like such a burden on them all at times.
• I'm thankful that when I needed a new car this year, I had the means to actually buy one, through work and savings. And even though I'm not working enough right now to even cover my monthly car insurance bill, I've got a savings to get me through until things pick back up for me. 
• I'm thankful I was able to continue my education this year, again through a savings my daddy kept for me for many years (for which I'm thankful also I have simply had the self-control not to waste on frivolous things). I've not been very good at finishing the program, but my teacher has been wonderful and worked with me and my youthful ways of preferring to seeing my boyfriend to hunting down torture victims all week. I've got more testing to do, and I'd really love more practical hours even if I don't need them anymore. Still, I've learned a new skill, and I hope to someday actually feel competent in it. If I finish proper certification, I can do this wherever life may lead me.
• I'm thankful that this year, I was able to keep my eating issues mostly in check. I went on one super-restrictive diet in mid-January, probably eating no more than 600 calories a day, which has left my stomach shrunken this entire year to where I still can't eat very much (it used to be I'd starve and it'd shrink up, but when I started bingeing again, it would quickly allow me to eat enough to compete with many college boys). I can't say I'm sad about this, as I feel it offers me a certain amount of portion control that a lot of the country lacks... even if I did date one guy who claimed his 6- and 8-year old daughters could eat more than me. I also couldn't tell you where this new found ability to remain healthy comes from. Did I gain confidence when I finally started dating, something I'd never really tried before? Doubtful when you consider some of the rejection I felt. Is it because I just decided to be healthy at last, tired of the inner melodrama? Again, doubtful. If only because I know that no one can "cure" themselves. Most likely, I've simply hit a recession for a while. I still call myself a fat pig almost any time I eat but I'll enjoy this ability to do it without anger while I've got it.
• Hand-in-hand with eating issues, I'm thankful my self-injury is also gone for the time being. This was definitely harder early this year, when boys kept rejecting me. After one guy stopped replying to me, my legs were black and blue, punishing myself for whatever I did wrong. I needed to place blame, and since they weren't around anymore, that only left me. I think being in a stable relationship now though is just a small part of its current disappearance. I think the main reason it's stepped into the background is simply my ability to eat without feeling the need to punish myself for doing so.
• Despite all my roaring insecurities, I'm thankful to know that I'm actually a fairly attractive person. It's shallow, yes, but we live in a world where beauty is valued far more than brains (although I've got myself plenty of smarts, even if they're not all the most useful smarts). You need to have looks to get by in this world, it seems. I know I'm not stunning or drop-dead gorgeous by any means, but I'm cute, verging on pretty. And also despite insecurities, I'm thankful that I can leave my home on a daily basis without piling on a pound of makeup. I like to play around with it every now and then, but I know I don't need it to make me pretty.
• I'm thankful for Brandon in general. Above I was just thankful he sleeps through anything and feeds me. But he's so much more than that. When I met him, I learned real fast why things didn't work out with the other boys I dated this year. With Brandon, it felt natural right away. He thinks I'm beautiful and constantly tells me so, and while I brush it off, I appreciate it. He lets me correct his spelling, actually asks me to do it! He deals with all my lame jokes (and I make a LOT of them). When I need a concert buddy for someone he's never heard of, he's right there driving and then standing next to me. As I said above, he feeds me! And not being able to eat very much in one sitting, I want to be fed every few hours. I'm sure it's hard to keep up with sometimes, especially since I'm hungry first thing in the morning, and he's not. He's supportive of me trying to get healthy, and encourages me to work out, not to lose weight as is my usual goal, but to build something on my body that resembles muscle. Honestly, he's just supportive of me through-and-through. He's always there for me when I need someone, and he's become my best friend.
• I'm thankful for my long-time best friend, Kendra. She's been there for me for the last year and a half like I don't even deserve. She mended my broken heart last year, and this year she's just been there constantly for me with advice and company. It's so nice just having her to talk to while we watch tv all day, and I know I can trust her with anything. I'm so happy for her this year, and grateful she let me be a part of her wedding.
• The rest of my friends, I'm thankful for you too, even if we don't talk often and see each other even less. You're all important to me, and to those of you I do talk to regularly, I'm especially thankful for you.
• I'm thankful for my family. I know it goes without saying, but I am. My parents put up with a lot from me, and they really don't have to. My younger brothers let me pick on them as if I would actually stand a chance if they fought back. My cousins always give me entertaining glimpses into their lives on Facebook. I don't see a few of you as often as I'd like, and I know that's my fault too. Still, some people have a lot less in their lives.

It's taken me an hour and a half to write this, I've so much to be thankful for. And I've been trying to shop for my nephews even though I haven't seen one in a year and a half, and the other never at all, and the last time my older brother emailed me was last Christmas when I asked what the heck to get the boys. Still, like I said, I thankful for my family, every one.

Accidental Picture

I label this post with "photography" simply because I took photos and nothing else really applies to them, but let's face it... this is nothing of the sort. And more annoyingly, no matter how many times I try to rotate the pictures to face the same direction, they won't. I've taken and rotated pictures before, but these ones seem to hate me, so the perspective is perhaps extra screw this time around. It's all about perspective anyway, I suppose. The first picture is just one I took of a corner in my boyfriend's room to show what it "really" looks like in there. The second is one I took a couple weeks before, quite by mistake. After waking up from a nap and checking my phone, I somehow went into my camera and accidentally snapped this picture. And I've no idea how it turned out so strange. Perhaps I had the flash on for that one, and not the other. Still, something about it puzzles me immensely, so I like it.

For the Lives That I Fake

Last week, I got to go to Seattle to see The Pretty Reckless live in concert. Well, it was more of a show. I think I overuse the word concert. I definitely prefer shows, even if sometimes I just want to sit down. I was lucky to have my boyfriend drive & tag along with me to what I could only describe as "angry girl rock" and I'm so glad he's so accommodating of me. I wasn't in a rush to get there "on time" as previous experience has shown me this does little good. We had a hell of a time navigating the stupid one-way streets, and it took us more than five minutes to get to the club that could have been easily spotted from the off-ramp we took had we known it was there. 

Half an hour after the doors opened, we finally wandered on in, and the first thing I did was start scoping the location of the merch booth. When Brandon finally located it, I plopped myself in the nice, short line and got myself a basic black tee with the name and the Going to Hell logo on it. In retrospect, I wish I'd waited til the end of the show, as I did get a touch tired hold it the whole time.

The opening band was Louna, a female-fronted Russian band. I'm sure if loud rock was my kind of music in the first place, I'd have really liked them, but since I'm basically a country girl through and through, the music didn't do much for me. Another problem I had, with both bands in general is that this type of music, if you don't know the words, there's almost no way in hell you're going to understand 90% of the words anyway. As Brandon pointed out, he basically got the lines that were repeated a lot, but not much more. I missed basically all of Heaven's Basement, as I was getting severely overheated and had to step outside the bar for their performance.

Finally, at 10:30, here came my girl. I know you can't always take a fan's word on someone they adore so much, but Taylor looked beautiful on stage. The "raccoon eyes" that so many people still seem to have a problem with really suit her in person, I promise. Now, we were standing near the back of the lower section (about 35-40 feet away), as I've got a tall boyfriend who was considerate enough not to go around view-blocking. While the room seemed to be filled with all sorts of people, most of them were skinny or just average, and somehow I got the two widest people in the entire audience standing in front of me once the main show started. Step where I may, I had a hard time getting a view.

An iPhone camera isn't really the best in the first place, and from as "far" back as I was, I had to use full zoom, so yes, the pictures are on the fuzzy side. And I took plenty with my hands stretched as far up as they could go. Moving lights and people, plus Taylor busily rocking all over the stage didn't leave me with a lot of good shots. Still, I enjoyed the show, more than some people I fear. Yes, I took pictures galore, but I waited until after the show to get online with them. It made me sad seeing people tweeting and instagramming the second they took pictures, when Taylor was still on stage singing her heart out for us.

Taylor was a giant tease at the end of Cold Blooded, and had to keep revving up our cheer for more than five minutes before the final word and jams of the song. I admit she was right, we were pretty tame for a rock crowd. Then again, I've never been part of a rock crowd, and probably won't be again, and I was still recovering from a cold. Even when I was trying to scream, my voice was a little on the weak side. On another sad note, being so far back, I didn't get to see any of the writhing on the ground that Taylor's famous for, nor her panties when she lifted her shirt.

The highlight of the show for me though was between Miss Nothing and Going Down when there was just music, Taylor went over and took a drumstick from Jamie, banged it around a few times on the drum, and without even looking back, chucked that drumstick at the crowd. Everyone in front of us ducked to avoid losing an eye, and Brandon had to step quickly to the side. It bounced off the wall we were leaning against and landed on an empty space of the floor in front of us. Darling boyfriend that he is, Brandon bent the hell over, grabbed it before anyone else could, and handed it to me. It says The Pretty Reckless on it, as well as Jamie's name, plus it has marks all up and down it, and was briefly used by Taylor Momsen herself. Definitely the best souvenir I've walked away with from any show I've been to.

For all my pictures on a public Facebook gallery, click here.

PS. Possibly the cutest thing ever was at the end before the final "title track" song was just the look on Taylor's face as she said "ladies and gentlemen, you're all going to Hell!" I mean... she should work as a tour guide at a haunted house or something.

Brand Snob & I Don't Care

I honestly don't have a clue how I end up reading some of the things I end up reading in my day-to-day life, and it often leads me to having a lot of scattered facts about some idea or another. Of course I can't think of any examples right now, but if you mention something to me that I've read about in some way at some point, I could suddenly recall some useless information for you. So I can't tell you how I cam to be reading about the lingerie industry today (although I admit it probably didn't take much to lure me in, however it was done).

I learned some reasoning behind subscription sites (which I love in theory, but...) like AdoreMe and IntiMint (both of which I've ordered from) is that consumers are tired of the prices at Victoria's Secret, the unchanging styles at Victoria's Secret, the fact that you can't personalize the Victoria's Secret website to your personal needs and likes.

I also learned that in the beginning, Victoria's Secret didn't do so well. There was nothing to distinguish them from the cheaper brands. They're marketing geniuses, it seems (you know, unless you're offended by the whole thing, to which I say: whatever), but all that aside, there's still plenty of reasons I choose Victoria's Secret time and time again over these subscription sites.

1. consistent value. when I first signed up for IntiMint, it was just to get the 1$ bra, panty, and robe for getting others to sign up. since then, they have begun including more and more camis and tees on their site and bringing in "designer" underwear that costs infinite amounts more than the original bras and panties cost (I'm having this problem with all the Mint sites right now, to be honest, with perhaps JewelMint not being quite so bad), and none of the original good value options there were before. 
2. no bogus "showroom" page. okay, so it's fun to take the quizzes when you sign up for the subscription sites, and "find out" a little more about yourself. what irks me is that you mark your size - and you still get a showroom full of DD+ items. I understand if it's sold out in my size, but if it never came in my size, please get it out of my showroom. I really think across all sites, there's just one showroom, nothing has ever felt "special picked" just for me based on any sort of quiz results.
3. when you find something you like, why change it? I found my perfect bra at Victoria's Secret nearly 5 years ago. good fit and perfectly comfortable. I own like, 8 of this bra in various colors and prints. when I try other bras, they just don't feel the same for me. if I do get adventurous though, I like being able to try on a new style before I buy it, rather than having to deal with returns.
4. easier returns. don't ever return your Victoria's Secret mail orders by mail. shipping is deducted before your payment return. most of the subscription sites offer free shipping and returns, but I always find it a hassle to print out return labels, and waiting for a confirmation of return when something doesn't fit (this happened to me with AdoreMe... I thought I could wear a small, and it was too big, and of course, they don't have XS). I like being able to take an item that doesn't fit directly into the store... and then trying on a different size to make sure that one actually fits.
5. better quality. you get what you pay for. if you pay $50 for a bra, it's gonna last you. I still have the first of my favorite bras from Victoria's Secret and it still is in perfect shape. a little rougher for the wear I suppose, but I'm definitely ripping seams in my IntiMint pieces from the use they've gotten in the last year and a half. 
6. actual customer service. I just prefer talking to real people, having them be able to look at me when they make recommendations. I've never found anyone at Victoria's Secret to be anything other than helpful when I go in with a question, and they don't overload me with information.

I don't know, I really don't like the way that IntiMint has been going since it's launch, but I'm still a fan of AdoreMe most days. But I suppose deep down, I'm just a name brand girl who doesn't mind spending a few extra bucks for something I really love, rather than save and just get something I kinda like and might not even fit.

Happy Autumn

I've always been partial to Fall, for so many reasons. I'm a Fall baby, I love the colors of the changing leaves, Halloween pumpkin carving, and all the wonderful smells. The first indoor fires of the year, spilling out of chimneys. All the wonderful food for Thanksgiving. 

Mrs. Smith

 

she found "the one"

My best friend of ten years got engaged in April to the man she'd been with for three & a half years, the father of her adorable little girl. I was driving around downtown Olympia with Brandon when she called and said "you KNEW?!?!" (he'd shown me the ring the night before) and then chastised me for not telling her. Although if I had told, she'd probably have been pissed beyond words that I spoiled the surprise, because as much as she wanted it, she wasn't expecting it.

And so the next three months were hectic. Dress shopping for her, dress shopping for us girls, her shoes, our shoes. Or lordy, our shoes! My small feet were the woe of trying to get us to match, and eventually we gave up on that all together. The bridal shower, the shopping, the bachelorette party, the getting people to respond to our invitations.

bridal party at bridal shower

The rehearsal dinner was fun, but I definitely wasn't feeling confident about what the hell I was supposed to be doing. And I probably bitched just a little too much about being hungry. But hey, I was.

here comes the bride

Then came time to get ready for the wedding and I showed up almost right on time. I'll blame my chauffeur for my tardiness. But the fact that the woman who was supposed to do our hair and makeup never showed up, that is inexcusable. We were so lucky to find someone willing to help us last minute. When you consider that we got started on getting ready three hours later, I was really annoyed when people started asking us when we were starting. 

We weren't even a whole hour late in starting the wedding.

getting married!

As soon as we headed down the stairs to line up for the procession, the nerves hit. My best friend was really about to get married. But I felt like I did okay. I walked down the aisle without tripping, and without giggling my head off. Of course, as soon as my Kendra walked out, the tears started falling down my face. Thank goodness everyone was looking at her!

The ceremony was rather short... but it was far better than sitting through an excruciatingly long one. And even though they had silly little things they did (I mean that in an endearing way guys, really!), it was still absolutely lovely. Russ did a wonderful job barely tripping over his words.

matron of honor, maid of honor, bride, groom, best man, groomsman

And of course, the reception was a blast. I managed not to cry during my toast, and gave everyone a good laugh with Kendra's note from high school ("I'm not a pinhead who likes Shawn anymore so hahaha!), but was shaking like a leaf for 20 minutes afterwards. I am going to have a hard time forgiving the DJ for getting me excited for the Macarena and then cutting it off and never letting me dance it.

PS, guess who caught the bouquet and garter?

Love With Food, August

Last month, I was browsing the Swagbucks homepage looking for offers I could complete to make a few quick points. I don't do this very often because a lot of offers require me making payments, and I just don't think most of them are worth it. but then I saw the ad for Love with Food, which only credited 65 points (about 70 cents, maybe), but gave half off the first month and delivered food to my door. Being a member of many, many subscription services, I knew I'd be able to cancel easily, especially with my debit card expiring this month.

It seemed like a good deal to me. Even if I did like it, I felt no qualms about spending $12/month on food, because everyone needs food (unlike clothing sites I subscribe to, where I merely want). Plus, I saw that for every box I received, a meal would be donated to a hungry child in America. So, food and charity. I signed up, and last week, my first (of many!) box was delivered to my house. Inside were several little goodies, as well as a list of what they were and more about the products, as well as a couple of coupons. 

I didn't care for the taste of the mints (I prefer peppermint to spearmint), but I liked that for every tube, the makers plant a fruit tree. The snap pea crisps were just that, but something I enjoy anyway, so I was happy to have them. The potato chips started out as bland for me, but by the end of the bag, I was craving more. My pralines, unfortunately, were all melted together (sticky sweets in the mail in August?) but I loved them anyway. I was most excited to try the waffle cookie, as I was supposed to set it on top of my tea (well, I had coffee at the time, but I'd love to try it with tea) and let it soak up all the aroma, but somehow it fell in. So I didn't get to enjoy that to it's full extent. I will definitely think about getting some when I have the funds to try it again. I haven't yet had a chance to try the salsa, but I plan to split it with my mother sometime before the end of the week; nor have I had a chance with the spice rub, but I think seasoning meat is something my stepdad will have to do. My favorite thing was the fruit and nut mix. It was strange but tasty, with its sesame taste. Definitely will want more in the future.

My favorite thing about this box was all the new stuff it let me try. For $12 a month, I can try several new things with no commitment to something I may not care too much for. It'll help me expand my tastes (and perhaps others' as well, when I'm able to share), and getting a little something to look forward to each month. I also like that these products seems to be healthier than I'd normally go for on my own. And of course, I'll be giving a meal to a hungry child.

There Was A Time

When I was in high school, I fancied myself a poet. And friends, bless their little hearts, told me I was amazing at it. That's the problem with friends. They support you. Even when you're crappy at what you do. I don't know, perhaps it actually was good poetry at that time, but looking back on it, it's truly awful. I wrote far too much about how "in love" I was (what a joke, I was never in love in high school), and that I'd never be able to love again (thankfully, having never loved before, I have since loved). But I thought I'd share some of it anyway just because a) I need to post again and b) it's always funny remembering how intensely you looked at the world when you were a teenager. Super cheesy.

Last night
You knocked
On my door
And picked me up
For our first date
You took me out
To dinner
Which we ate
By candlelight
Then to a movie
Followed by
A simple walk
Down a moonlit beach
As we walked
We talked and laughed
Holding hands
With out fingers
Intertwined
You took me
In your arms
And looked deep
Into my eyes
And told me
How much
You loved me
You took me home
And gave me a
Long, sweet and tender
Kiss on my lips
This morning
When I saw you
I remember our night
And that you weren't really there

Gone from my life
Are sorrow and pain
As though my heart's
Been ripped from me
And I can feel no more
Which I don't wish to do
'Cuz gone with my sorrow
Are my hopes and dreams
And I can't feel love
For you, ever again
'Cuz my heart
Has been ripped out
And gone are both joys and fears
And I can feel no more
No more emotions
Ever again

A Crabby Day

last week, Brandon and I walked down to the water. while not wanting to crush thousands of tiny crabs didn't allow me to go frolic in the sea, it did give me a grand opportunity to take pictures. and I might as well admit this now, it never occurred to me that crabs use their claws to eat.

In So Much Like

we started talking April 6.
we met on April 7.

first kiss was April 8. 

 got my girlfriend status May 21.

Brandon really just makes me so annoyingly happy. he's sweet and funny and has enough oddball in him to set off my own weirdnesses. the first time I cooked for him (he can't cook) was hilarious... he'd never touched raw bacon before and had no idea it was so slimy. the other night we managed to both be hit by insomnia... it's far less boring when you've someone to share it with! and after just ten minutes of withholding kisses, I made him make me his. he'd been wanting to do this to my tattoo, so I allowed it...

And It Started Out So Promising...

I'm still gonna call this the "Eragon Series" even though the technical name is apparently the "Inheritance Cycle" but I think that sounds stupid. and since the first book was called Eragon, it makes plenty of sense for me to say it that way.

the Eragon series was recommended to me when I was looking for something new to read. I was told that the first book started out slow, took more than a hundred pages before anything started happening. but I felt sucked it pretty fast. I didn't find it epic or anything, but I did find myself curious about what would happen next. and I definitely enjoyed reading it. the second book I enjoyed even more. I loved getting to find out about all the things going on once Eragon left his hometown, as the first book was told entirely from his perspective. I thought it was fun getting another story.

but then the third book happened. I felt the story started being told from too many perspectives, and none of them were from the point of view of any that I was genuinely curious to find out more about. the love stories which I found interesting at first instead became tedious, and I felt as though they were being forced down my throat. the story began to get pointlessly longer. there was a whole bunch of words that went on for pages and pages, with absolutely nothing happening. I was able to skip entire chunks of paragraphs that were in Elven or Dwarvish. the ending redeemed the overall story eventually, but getting there was torture.

the final book in the series followed much the same pattern. at this point, I'm tired of hearing about the perfect Arya and the unbeatable Roran and the misfit Eragon feels to be. Nasuada finally gets a semi-decent storyline, but the introduction of the villain at last was underwhelming. the culmination of the story felt incredibly drawn-out and then just suddenly over. I didn't understand how there were so many pages left, or how any of it had come about. and then it just all got so annoyingly cheesy. I was honestly just hoping everyone would die.

I couldn't not find out how it all ended after such an enjoyable beginning, but I wouldn't recommend this series to anyone. I find myself glad it's over.

Oh the Joy of Insecurity

I think I may be too insecure for the dating world. every time a boy stops texting me back... it tortures me. I start to wonder what I did wrong. and I punish myself for screwing everything up. and sometimes it's nothing. but sometimes, it's been five freaking days since we parted, and I haven't gotten a single text since. I don't know what my plans are tonight. I'm supposed to go see a boy Thursday nights, but I haven't heard from him since Saturday and I'm beginning to take it personally. I really like him, I don't want to write him off already. but I don't have the time to waste sitting around and wondering.

I know I don't need a boy to make me happy. but they add to my happiness. and I don't need a boy to make me miserable. but they seem to be so good at it anyway. I just want someone to share my laughs and tears with. is that so much to ask?

Perceptions of Self-Injury

I watch a lot of television. Too much, honestly. I watch Buffy with my mother. Honestly, the most painful thing for me on the show is in the first episode of the series, when Buffy lands on her back along the side of a tomb and bends in half basically. Every time I see that, I cringe. (I'm also shudder-y towards ankle injuries, having a weak ankle myself and knowing how much it hurts.) However, the one scene in the entire seven seasons of the show that makes my mom say "ow!" every single time we watch it, is when a young man is carving a demon's initial into his arm. All the pain, the fights, the stitches, the broken bones, the eye gouging, the flaying in the show and my mom is most turned off by someone who inflicts the pain himself.

Pick Your Battles

Being happy now, and living my life, and having nothing but options in front of me, I am absolutely amazed

at how long I spent fighting for a relationship I never wanted to be a part of in the first place.

Washed Out

Tonight

I begin writing my memoir.

Again.

And I currently am unable to find a poem I wish to include.

Blind Date

At the library, my stepdad always checks out the special selection of themed books at the front desk. Sometimes it's mysteries or spooky stories or all vampire related. This time it was just a bunch or books wrapped in brown paper. A blind date with a book. Pick a book, read it, you may love it or hate it, fill out the review form. I didn't exactly want to do it, but I was coerced.

Of course, there were barcodes on the wrapping so we could properly check them out. So we both knew our titles. Girl in the Hyacinth Blue for him. Pontoon: a Lake Wobegon Novel for me. We both laughed desperately hard that he got stuck with some crappy romance novel while I got a book that started with the line (paraphrased): Evelyn was an insomniac do when they say she died in her sleep you had to wonder.

That first line certainly drew me in, but while the book wasn't necessarily bad, it didn't live up to its opening. It was just an every day story about an eccentric little town and two event colliding into chaos. The type of movie I quite like, but something that has never really worked for me when I read it.

Still, I think it was a brilliant idea on the part of the library, and if thy do such an event again, I will still take place. Who knows? I may find the book I've been missing my whole life.

Elena's First Birthday Party

 

 

Today, the Sun is Shining on Me

I never feel the so-called onset of Season Affective Disorder (if I even have it) but at times like this, I can certainly feel it lifting.

Late Night This & That

okay, so I'm in my room reading, because I like to read every night. I've got an apple cider candle burning on the headboard (heavenly). and a forgotten glass of water with melting ice, leaving a ring on the side table. short attention span and poor lighting has me pulling out my phone. I made this video on yesterday on my phone, and I was just going to delete it because apparently I can't upload video with the app. whatever. but then I was watching it, and I said: no, I'm just too cute.

Together We Created These Scars

it’s been more than three years now since I was in San Francisco with Holly, and she and I got our dermal anchors. we both got two, parallel to our collarbones. hers on the left, mine on the right. both of hers rejected a while back, while only one of mine had. earlier this year, I knew I wouldn’t have mine much longer. anchors are a lot of upkeep, just keeping them from being caught on something. so I decided when my second one rejected, I would get Holly’s lips tattooed near them, like she was kissing the scars better. it’s been a few months since my second anchor got pried out, and this weekend, Holly made me several prints of her lips. last night, I took her lips to Electric Rose in Olympia, WA. and voila!

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Same Heartaches

I feel like New Year’s is a letdown for everyone. I see them making the same resolutions (I see myself making the same resolutions, but that’s not the issue), sticking with it for a week, maybe a month. but what really changes? from December 31st to January 1st I had: the same head cold, the same dead-end job (but a 14-cent pay raise!), the same heartbreak. I know that’s not the best outlook, but… it’s how I feel.